Thera-what?
by KID KUPO
Summary: "I don't have any problems…" "Hmm…" "I'm perfectly fine as I am. I don't need a shrink to tell me how I'm feeling" "I see" "Will you put down that stupid NOTEBOOK!" Follow Jane Doe's adventures with the champions of Valoran.
1. Katarina Du Couteau

**KATARINA DU COUTEAU**

 **"I don't have any problems…"**

"Hmm…"

"I'm perfectly fine as I am. I don't need a shrink to tell me how I'm feeling"

"I see"

"Will you put down that **stupid NOTEBOOK**!"

The therapist paused, staring at the redhead before finally putting down the notebook, facing Katarina with a stoic expression.

"I apologise. I did not know writing down important notes was frustrating to you"

"Well it is. So stop doing it"

"Very well then. Would you like to talk about anything today Ms. Du Couteau?"

The redhead simply glared at the therapist across from her, wishing her weapons were by her side. At least then she wouldn't be so bored.

"I can't believe Jax lost to you. Out of all people, he lost to you…" Katarina mumbled. "And with that vulgar story, I might add"

"Do you wish to talk about Jax?" Jane asked, ignoring her last comment.

"No, I want to braid your hair and talk about boys" Katarina droned as she looked around the room. "How long will this take?"

"Every champion will be subjected to a mandatory 1 hour session with me. Whether they like it or not is not really up to me" The therapist shrugged.

"I see. And if I were to leave this room?"

"You can attempt to"

"Is that a challenge I hear in your tone shrink?"

The therapist merely pointed to the door and smiled.

"Please, after you"

Katarina scoffed as she stood up from her place on the sofa and turned towards the door. She gripped the handle tightly and attempted to open said door. With the door not budging from its place she let a groan of frustration and kicked it in a final attempt to open it.

"So now that we know that you **can't** leave until after your time is up, how does it make you feel that you can't escape from this predicament?"

"Predicament?"

"You are running from me because either A) You do not wish to talk about your feelings because they are a sign of weakness. Or B) Because you **really** don't want to be here"

"Should I really justify that with an answer?"

"Well if you answered my first question, I'm quite sure time will fly quickly"

Katarina sighed in defeat before sitting back down on the sofa.

"So Ms. Du Couteau, How do you feel about therapy altogether?"

"It makes me want to kill you and hang your head up on my door as a warning to all shrinks"

"I see. And by doing that, how will that make you feel—"

" **SATISFIED** "

The therapist smiled in return to her death threat knowing full well that the Noxian could not actually harm her without facing consequences.

"Why are you smiling?"

"We're making progress"

 **5 hours before…**

 **"Therapy?!"**

"Yes Ms. Du Couteau. Therapy sessions are indeed mandatory for ALL champions. No exceptions"

As every champion gathered in the hall listened to the horrifying news, High Summoner Kolminye announced the new therapist that will be joining the ranks of the League of Legends.

"And if we fail to appear for these sessions?" Fiora spoke up, disgusted that she was agreeing with a Noxian.

"Then you'll be banned from fighting in the upcoming tournament. **Indefinitely** " Kolminye's tone hardened.

Defeated sighs, grunts and groans could be heard throughout the massive hall as every champion could not fathom talking to a stranger about their life's problems.

"And to ease your worries about the therapist, she is stated as an independent"

"That still won't ease our worries" One champion called out.

"Then take it up with the therapist" She smirked as she left the podium.

As the high summoner took her leave, a young woman appeared on the podium.

"Good Afternoon Champions of the League of Legends. How are we _feeling_?" She smiled before laughing lightly at her joke. At the sheer awkward silence throughout the hall, the therapist cleared her throat before speaking again.

"It will be my duty to overlook all of our sessions together. But know that whatever you tell me in my office will be absolutely confidential" She stated in a serious tone.

"Not to be rude Ms…?" The Prince of Demacia spoke up as he stood.

"Jane Doe"

"Ms. Doe. But I think I speak for most of us when I say that we **really** don't need your services"

"I beg to differ"

"Excuse me?"

"High Summoner Kolminye believes it is in everyone's interest for everyone to be prepared not only physically but mentally as well. Especially when it comes to fighting on the rift"

"And you believe you are certified for the job?" Garen, the Might of Demacia chipped in standing next to his prince.

"To be completely honest? No. But it won't stop me from doing my job"

"I'm not doing it"

Everyone turned towards the voice that called out and the therapist recognized it to be the voice of Jax, the Grandmaster at arms.

"Pardon me?" Jane asked.

"I'm **not** doing it" He repeated.

"What would make me change your mind, Grandmaster at arms?"

The crowd fell into silence as they awaited for Jax's answer.

"A challenge therapist. Right here, right now"

Every turned back towards the therapist as she mulled over the decision.

"What will I get out of it? I am not foolish Jax. You cannot be bested with any weapon you hold. Whatever challenge you put forward will only end in my defeat"

The Grandmaster merely laughed at her reply.

"That is true. Tell you what shrink, _you_ can pick the weapon"

Jane fell into deep silence before smiling to herself.

" _Any_ weapon?"

"Your pick" He replied.

Jane started laughing.

"Very well. I agree to your terms"

Jax started laughing in agreement. "That's the spirit!"

As Jane left the podium, the champions formed a circle with Jax in the middle.

"Ask any champion here for their weapon. I'm sure they will graciously loan it to you for a moment" He gave a confident vibe as he stood with both his arms on his hips.

"Name your prize Grandmaster"

"Straight to the point, huh?" Jax smiled. "You're confident shrink, I'll give you that"

"Well?"

The Grandmaster thought for a moment before nodding.

"If I win, it will no longer be **mandatory** for any champion to go to your sessions"

Every champion gasped at the sound of this. This could be their one chance to escape from this and Jax was holding their fate.

"Very well then. But…"

The champions waited to hear her reward should she win such a battle.

"…If I win Grandmaster, I get to increase the time you spend with me. Usually I only spend 30 minutes with a client. But just for you, I'll be raising it to an hour"

As they made a standoff, many champions started questioning Jane's chances.

"Bet 20 on the girl Fate" Graves chuckled.

"You're on" Fate smiled in return.

"She must be foolish to take on someone like Jax" Irelia sighed knowing full well the Grandmaster's skill in battle.

"You must give her a chance. After all, she may surprise you" Karma replied as she watched on.

"I wonder what weapon she will pick?" Luxanna wondered as she watched the standoff unfold.

"Does it matter?" Fiora asked. "It is as she said, the Grandmaster is skilled with any weapon you give him. She has no chance"

"Well there's an upside to this" Quinn chuckled as she spoke to Valor.

"And what's that?" Luxanna asked back.

"No therapy" Quinn smiled, thanking the gods above that the therapist agreed to this.

Jax couldn't read Jane. Her hood covered her features well and she can only see her smile. Usually he liked to size up his opponent but Jane was a mystery. She could be a surprise for all he knew.

"Name your weapon, Jane" He called out.

Jane started thinking deeply before giving her answer.

"How good are you at telling stories Jax?"

"Depends on how this fight turns out. It'll make one hell of a funny story" Jax shrugged as he waiting patiently for her to choose.

"Then I'll be using words as my weapon of choice"

"Words?" Jax frowned. She wanted to fight using words?

Everyone stared on in confusion. Was this a trick?

"Yes. I love a good story. Great stories are wonderful to hear but let's be honest, stories about battle always snag someone's attention"

"Your point?"

"Simple. Tell a story that will make everyone gasp in shock and cringe at the juicy bits. If you win, I'll talk to the high summoner about everyone's therapy sessions"

"So I tell a simple tale of a battle and it is based off everyone's expressions to who wins this battle?"

"Correct. I will then have the Judicator, Kayle, to tally up the scores. Is that fair?"

"What do you think, Kayle?" Jax asked the angel.

"I will be happy to offer my assistance. I do say this battle does hold my interest. I wish to see how it ends" Kayle replied as she flew above the audience taking note of all of their expressions.

"Excellent. Shall we, Grandmaster?"

"You're on"


	2. Garen Crownguard

**GAREN CROWNGUARD**

 **"Shall we start, Garen?"**

Garen continued to sit in silence as he looked anywhere except at the therapist.

"Garen, is there something wrong?"

"Of course not" He replied.

"So, why are you looking away? I am not _that_ vulgar to look at, am I?"

Garen suddenly sat up and began apologising.

"Of course not! What would make you think that?"

The therapist then sighed deeply before putting her notebook down.

"Are you angry about the story I told when Jax challenged me?" She whispered.

Garen then totally lost it.

"WHO THE HELL WRITES SUCH FILTH?"

"Your fans…?" The therapist slowly started to slide down her seat.

"IT WAS DISGUSTING! I WOULD NEVER **EVER** DO ANY SEXUAL ACTIVITY WITH KATARINA! DID YOU SEE THE WAY PEOPLE LOOK AT ME? THEY DARE JUDGE ME ON FICTIONAL LIES!"

"Yeah, that was my bad" The therapist apologised. "Should've picked a different story to read"

Garen calmed down before slumping in his seat in defeat.

"I still can't believe you bested Jax of all people" He groaned. "And with **that** story out of all things"

"You know Katarina was not at all phased about that when she was here"

"What?"

"That's all I'm saying. Patient confidentiality and all" The therapist smirked. "But I really am sorry Lord Crownguard. Please accept my apologies"

Garen gave it a thought before again sighing in defeat.

"A loss is a loss. Jax knew the price and I can't blame you for that. It was intriguing to see you outsmart him though" He smiled.

"I'm just glad I thought of that on the spot. All of you are so intimidating, I was a bit frightened" She confessed.

"Which reminds me, Garen…"

"Hmm?"

"You and Katarina. Are you two an item?"

Garen's red face turned a deep blush of red.

"WHAT NONSENSE ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"Uh-huh. You, Mighty Demacian soldier, are still in denial" Jane raised an eyebrow.

"I AM NOT!"

"Oh? Then I guess Katarina does feel one-sided about this after all" The therapist lied.

Garen suddenly cringed.

"She said that?" He slumped in defeat.

"AH-HAH! You do have feelings for her!"

"YOU TRICKED ME!"

"Hey, I'm a therapist. Not a nun. Come on, tell me" The therapist begged.

Garen sat in silence, still blushing deeply.

"No" He finally said with great force.

Jane also sat in silence with and sighed.

"Very well. Forgive me for intruding Lord Crownguard. But remember, if you cannot figure out the answer with your mind, use your heart"

"That's a foolish notion"

"Said the fool **in** love" She countered.

"I can't be with her. It would cause an outrage from my family and my nation"

"So?"

"My reputations is at stake!"

"And?"

Garen sat in silence again.

"And…"

"Go on"

"And…Iloveher"

"Sorry. Say again?"

Garen huffed and faced Jane with a great determination.

"I AM IN LOVE WITH KATARINA DU COUTEAU" He stated proudly.

The therapist smiled widely.

"How do you feel, Garen?"

"I feel…relieved actually. Like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders"

"Have you wanted to tell Ms. Du Couteau about your feelings?"

"I truly do. But I am a coward when it comes to the affairs of the heart. What should I do?"

"I don't know. But the only advice I can give you is this. Continue to be yourself. She fell in love with you for that very reason"

Garen's eyes widened.

"She said that?"

"You didn't hear it from me" Jane winked.

"Thank you for your time Garen. We'll continue this next time. You should be proud of yourself" Jane complimented as she lead Garen towards the door.

"Thank you Ms. Doe"

"My pleasure"

As Garen left and turned the corner, Jane quickly locked the door and then opened up her closet to reveal a very angry and bound Katarina.

"Now, I am going to remove the gag. Will you behave if I remove it?"

Katarina calmly nodded her head before Jane removed it.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I SWEAR TO THE ALMIGHTY GOD THAT WHEN I GET FREE I WILL MAKE PROMISE OF ME BEHEADING YOUR STUPID THERAPEUTIC ASS!"

"Are you done?" Jane frowned.

Katarina fumed for a moment before sighing deeply in defeat.

"Yes" She blushed.

"I assume you heard everything Katarina?"

Katarina was silenced again before answering.

"Yes"

"And how do you feel, Katarina?"

Kat sat in silence before revealing a small smile.

"Satisfied…"

Jane smiled back.

"…And I feel like a drink…" Kat added.

 **5 Hours Before…**

 **"And then he fell by the mighty swing of his blade. And as it dripped with blood, he licked it with a great satisfaction knowing that he finally defeated his foe" Jax finished.**

The crowd was silenced as they all listened to the ending of Jax's story. As Kayle tallied up the votes, the crowd started to clap at the tale's end.

"Kayle?" Jane asked.

"Over half of the champions have reacted greatly to Jax's tale. Are you sure you can beat it?"

"I have faith" Jane smiled in confidence. "Besides, by the time I'm done, the crowd will be begging me to stop"

The Judicator raised an eyebrow. "Now I really am intrigued to see what you will do"

As they talked Jax strolled down the podium and walked up to Jane.

"Top that, shrink" He said with a smug tone.

"I'll do more than that. **Way** more" She smiled in return.

"Are we ready?" Jane asked the crowd as they quietened down to hear her tale.

What a tragedy that will turn out to be.

"I'm just gonna skip the intro and go straight into the action if that's all right with everyone?" Jane asked the crowd.

"GET ON WITH IT" Someone yelled as many others agreed.

Jane then picked up a book from her pouch, skipped to the marked chapter and cleared her throat.

 _"Oh Garen, Please be gentle!"_

 _The sinister blade cried out as she opened her legs towards the gigantic throbbing member of the demacian._

The crowd started to gasp in shock, horror and disgust. Most of them started to cringe at the start of the obvious pornographic literature.

 _"By the time I'm done Katarina…" He huffed out. "You'll be begging me to stop…" He whisper darkly in her ear._

At this sentence, Jane could hear Katarina's voice scoff loudly at that statement.

 _"Let me feel your sword, oh mighty demacian—_

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL GODS, STOP!" Luxanna cried out. "PLEASE!"

"Okay then" Jane smiled sadistically. "If you don't like that story, I could read about Caitlyn and Vi—

Everyone started leaving the hall, most of them blushing at the state of events that just happened.

Kayle flew towards Jane with a grim look.

"So, I take it that means I won?" She asked.

Kayle sighed deeply before nodding. Jax joined them, obviously angry.

"What the hell was that? That wasn't a story about battle!"

"Actually Jax, Ms. Doe also meant _sexual_ conquests" Kayle sighed. "So her story does count as battle, generally speaking…"

Jax growled in frustration.

"I've got an hour of therapy, don't I?"

"Yes. Yes you do" Jane smiled.


End file.
